“What the fuck was up with that?” Asked Joe.
“A business deal that went sour, plus I made the mistake of groping his ass when I was drunk,” said J Foo, “Lets catch a Taxi back to my house.”
Joe started thinking about how drunk someone would have to be to grope the ass of another man, and yet, his mom let people do all sorts of things to her ass even when she wasn’t drunk. They would touch her ass, lick her ass, she even let an ass fuck her in the ass in front of a bunch of asses. At first Joe just thought that his mom was really into animals but then he started to think that maybe she had a mental problem. He decided to focus on the task at hand.
Joe went back to J Foo's house with him and there was a party going on. J Foo told him that he could have any brew in the house as long as it was empty. Everyone laughed at Joe. Joe was used to being made fun of, so he asked if he could use the bathroom.
“You can use any bathroom you want as long at it’s empty,” said J Foo.
“I get it,” said Joe.
“You can get whatever you want as long as it’s empty,” J Foo said again. People kept laughing, they were really drunk.
“Someone obviously offered you the same deal with your head,” said Joe.
J Foo didn’t get it. "Whatever," J Foo said. While Joe was in the bathroom, J Foo's friend, Yo Gee said, “Why’d you bring the loser here?” J Foo yelled, "Because the loser kept me out of handcuffs, he didn’t just fart back to the fort, the loser brought me back." When Joe came back down, J Foo's girl Ka Beech told J Foo that they needed to go upstairs and fuck while listening to rice rev because it made her have a bigger orgasm. As J Foo was walking up stairs, he turned to Joe and said, "You know you owe me a 16 second car right?"
"OUCH!" yelled Ka Beech and she laughed. Joe looked around at the party, there were people passed out all over the place and girls that were so drunk that they were kissing each other for shots of liquor. There was this one guy playing the same two notes on a guitar and pretending like he could play. There was a guy who played Guitar that came to see Joe’s mom one time. He played the guitar for a while and then Joe’s mom had sex with him and the guitar. At first Joe had just thought his mom was a music lover but now he was starting to think that maybe she had additional mental issues. He decided to focus on the task at hand. Joe started thinking about where he would be able to find a sixteen second car. All of a sudden, a girl who appeared sober came up to Joe.
Joe tried to be smooth. "Hey Baby," Joe said.
She gagged slightly then replied, "That was lame," responded the girl, "Anyways, follow me."
"You know," the girl started, "You actually seem to be the most normal person here, usually when my brother brings home one of his rodent racer friends they are drunk, stoned or both within the first 2.3 minutes."
"Well I was going to get drunk but your brother said I could only have empty beers," said Joe.
"Are you serious?" she responded.
“Well, I guess so,” Joe replied.
“Look, if you want to be different, you are going to have to try to be different, you are still a loser in a group of losers. So, a word of advice, if you treat other people like shit, they will respect you for it, that's the way racing is."
"Okay, I'll try to remember th--" Joe was cut off.
"Not like that, say 'Whatever, Bitch.'" The girl said.
"Why would I say that?" asked Joe.
“Because, if you want to be a ricer it’s important that you treat your enemies like shit and your friends like shit’s shit,” she replied, "Just say it, you need to get respected or they will walk all over you."
"Whatever," said Joe.
"There you go, now go find yourself another hamster that you can get to go as fast as a minivan."
“Are we going to fuck?” asked Joe.
“Not if you were water in the desert,” said the girl.
The next day, Joe went down to the junkyard. He needed to find something that he could get into the 16s, but money was tight and his mom was not. Although J Foo had a booming drug business, his constant purchase of hos and body parts to stick onto his car made him quite poor. Then, Joe saw it, the perfect car: A busted up Mitsubishi Eclipse. A guy with an Eclipse had sex with his mom once, in fact, a girl with an Eclipse had plowed his mom once, heck a moose with an Eclipse had plowed his mom once. With some work, that should be able to go faster then most of those other ricers, so Joe had it towed to J Foo's garage.
As Joe pulled up J Foo said, "What the fuck is that shit? This is a garage not a junkyard."
Joe remembered what J Foo's sister said. Joe responded, "When you have a garage full of rice it might as well be a junkyard."
J Foo said, "You're probably right." Everyone laughed; Joe started to see how this worked.
Yo Gee said, "You could push this across the line, or tow it."
Joe responded, "I could do either and I'd still beat you there." Everyone laughed again.
"Whoa," said Aie Flyby, "this is an Eclipse, it will decimate all..."
Joe interrupted, "It's an RS."
Aie said, "Oh, never mind."
"As far as fixing this up goes," said Joe, "There should be enough plastic body parts to repair this and we don't need to worry about fixing the engine that much because I'm just going to drive the shit out of it anyways, but it doesn't have a can."
"I need to get you racing again so that you can go to Race Wars and see the wet T-shirt contests," said J Foo.
All of a sudden from what seemed to be a hundred miles away Joe started to hear the fury of a Volkswagen Beetle but it turns out that a Subaru WRX pulled up and an Asian guy stepped out. It was Yor Mom, he said, "Hey white rice boys, you going to take your little buzzing hamsters to Race Wars this year so I can beat your ass?"
"I'm not missing the wet T-shirt contest," said J Foo.
"Good," said Yor Mom, "I need some money."
"You'll be surprised," said J Foo, "This year is going to be different."
"Hey Asian Dude," said Joe, "Just because your car has AWD and a turbocharger doesn't mean it's the fastest thing on the road."
"Whatever white boy, you’re just a poser," said Yor Mom.
"At least I buy my own cars instead of asking mommy to buy me the flavor of the month," said Joe.
"Fine, when we race at Race Wars, we'll see who wins." With that said, Yor Mom drove off and Joe could see that the car was already blowing blue smoke from being over-boosted and driven too hard.
"What the fuck are you thinking Joe?" Asked Yo, "He's a rich Asian guy with a WRX, you don't have a chance of beating him."
"With a turbo engine boosted to hell with NOS, I can beat him easily," said Joe.
"Where are you going to find a 4G63 this close to Race Wars?" asked Aie.
"Don't worry, I have my connections," said Joe.
“In the meantime, we should check out what Yor Mom is running in that car of his,” said J Foo.
So Joe, J Foo and Aie Flyby made their way to Yor’s garage. Aie stayed in his Jetta to be a lookout while Joe and Foo made their way into the garage. Upon arriving in the garage, they noticed that this was also a home for Yor Mom’s other ‘flavor of the month’ toys. There was a 325i, a C230, an IS300 and various other preppy compacts that Yor Mom had apparently tired of already. Joe wondered why Yor Mom couldn’t just stick with one vehicle but then that made him wonder why his mom couldn’t just stick to one guy, just last night she was getting plowed by some guy and this morning she was getting plowed by a completely different guy and by the time Joe had finished with breakfast a grizzly bear was plowing his mom. Joe was starting to think that maybe his mother was a bit promiscuous. However, Joe decided that he should remain focused on the task at hand. J Foo had already begun looking for the WRX; he had to know what it was that he was to go against.
They finally found what they were after near the front of the building. After looking over it for just a short time, it was obvious that this was no joke. Yor Mom might be an idiot, but he was rich and the mechanics that he had hired to work on this car knew what they were doing. It had an aftermarket turbo and intercooler as well as enhanced fuel delivery systems and all sorts of other mystical things that Joe had read about in his last issue of Sport Compact Car. Joe estimated that even with the power sapping qualities of the all-wheel drive that the car would put down no less then 350 horsepower to the wheels.
“This is the real thing J Foo, Yor Mom won’t even need driver skill because of the AWD,” said Joe, “All he has to do is rev up and dump the clutch while jamming it into each gear and hope it doesn’t break.”
“We can do it Joe, we just have to match him dollar for dollar,” replied J Foo.
“But where are we going to get that kind of money J Foo?” Asked Joe.
“You just let me worry about the money and you worry about putting together a car!” Exclaimed J Foo.
Just then, J Foo’s cell phone began to ring; the sound of ‘I Like Big Butts’ filled the garage. It was a call from Aie Flyby. Yor Mom was coming to the garage and there wouldn’t be enough time to escape. They would have to hide and hope that Yor Mom and his gang didn’t see them. A short time later, the garage doors opened up and Yor Mom, Poke and about 6 other members of their gang pulled in with various expensive cars. From one of the cars, a gang member pulled what appeared to be a mechanic from one of the cars. Poke held the guy as Yor talked to him.
Yor Mom pointed to his car. “Do you see anything wrong with my car Ted?”
The man shook his head. “No Mr. Mom, we put all of the modifications that were in the magazine you gave us into the car and then tuned it for you.”
Grabbing the man, Yor Mom said, “It ain’t got no body kit does it!?”
“But Mr. Mom, a body kit provides no performance improvement so we didn’t think that was important.”
Yor Mom felt the rage of a thousand angry pigeons in a world without birdseed. He grabbed the mechanic and yelled, “YOU FUCK! How am I supposed to keep all this power on the road without some aerodynamics?!” Yor calmed himself, “A full wide-body kit would pull a premium one week before race wars wouldn’t it?”
“I suppose,” said the man.
“What are you thinking Poke? Cock or cock and balls?” asked Yor.
“Cock sounds nice,” said Poke. That being said, Yor pulled a rooster from his car as Poke forced the guy to the ground. The proceeded to jam the rooster into the guy’s mouth! Joe was disgusted.
“Where is my body kit Ted?” asked Yor.
“In a warehouse,” mumbled Ted.
“Wow, that was totally specific!” exclaimed Yor. “I couldn’t have figured that out myself!”
“You’ll make a map to the place, or you’ll be getting a lot more ‘personal’ with my little friend here,” said Yor, shaking the rooster. They then left, supposedly to get Yor’s new body kit and hos.
“Wow,” said J Foo, “I’m really out of it, is that how you shop for aftermarket parts these days?”
1 comment:
LOL love this!
Post a Comment