Monday, September 24, 2012

Game Review: Pokemon Rumble Blast

I have Gamefly like any self-respecting gamer and I just recently finished Pokemon Rumble Blast and decided to write a review of it.  I think I may just start writing reviews of games on a regular basis.  Anyways...

Pokemon Rumble Blast has the distinction of being the first Pokemon game for the 3DS.  Even the upcoming Black and White sequels are not going to be 3DS titles.  However it is not a traditional Pokemon game per se.  It is a sequel to the WiiWare title Pokemon Rumble that was expanded with Pokemon from fifth generation.  Essentially you control Pokemon "toys" that have up to two attacks and a given power rating.  While your toys can learn new moves by spending cash they can never increase in power.  The only way is to find new versions of toys with higher powers by defeating swarms of enemy toys and hoping some of those enemy toys "tip-over" and become your allies.  Sometimes enemy toys may come equipped with special abilities and will be a purple color similar to unique drops in RPG games.  It is a lot of button mashing fun, but there's no reason to get attached to any of the toys because each new stage brings along the latest and greatest version.

But that's not to say that there isn't any strategy involved.  While most of the stages are composed of just rampaging through killing as much as possible without getting killed yourself, there are special stages where coliseum style fights are waged.  In these stages the enemies are a little more powerful and they fight each other as well as you.  Going headfirst into these fights will have you picking from your reserve list quickly, finding a strong toy with a good sitback move is a necessity for these fights.  That itself can be a challenge because when you get a toy with a good moveset it's outdated 2 or 3 stages later and the game makes it difficult to pass moves along to better toys.  Boss battles can be taxing as well because the straight up damage moves that are so useful against the swarm aren't much help when taking on an enemy that can hit you much harder than you can hit it.

The game is not without its weaknesses.  Despite it being a 3D game, I found very little benefit to having the 3D active.  While games like Mario Land, Ocarina and Star Fox found ways to make the 3D interesting I find little to no benefit having the 3D on and play with it off 99% of the time for increased battery life.  In fact there was one instance where I had accidentally turned the 3D on when the DS was in my pocket and I didn't even realize I had done it.  Additionally the fact that most Pokemon games strive to have the player "connect" with their little dudes; this game treats Pokemon as tools that are easily discarded.  In that way it actually contradicts what a Pokemon game should be and I feel that is a major weakness.

It is an interesting idea and having never played any of the other action spinoff games for Pokemon, I have to say I'm impressed that this game kept my intrest all the way through although I will admit that I take regular breaks to play real Pokemon.  I enjoyed it but not enough to add it to my collection permenantly.  It will be getting returned to Gamefly this week.

Verdict: A Pokemon title that isn't a Pokemon game.

Friday, September 21, 2012


"One thing I've learned in life is that friendship far outweighs popularity."

I made a status about this on the book of face the other day and it was a complete enough idea that I decided to make a whole blog post about it.  I've had the unique advantage of living from both sides of the popularity barrier and thus I feel like I can post from a unique viewpoint.

I was never a popular kid in high school.  I played Pokemon and was in the orchestra for Heaven's sake.  But that's not to say I was without friends.  Movies and popular culture that depict the people who are not popular as wanting to be popular and being "losers" could not be farther from the truth.  I never wanted what the popular kids had.  One of the advantages of being unpopular is that you know the people who are your friends actually are your friends rather than simply being friends with you to heighten their own status.  Thus I had really good friendships in high school and it made the whole experience that much easier.  Sure I might have had the occational crush on a cute cheerleader that happened to play in orchestra as well but I never dated in high school so not really a loss.  Basically what I'm getting at is that being unpopular has just as many benefits as being popular, namely not needing to live up to the standards of others.

Which brings me to my life as RedChocobo.  As RedChocobo, I was popular, whether people think it or not.  How that happened is beyond me but I think it mainly had to do with the fact that I allowed myself to become the defacto leader of a popular movement.  Yes, I was a heel that appeared to constantly be clashing with management but I was popular.  I was popular enough for my critics to refer to people that did the same thing as me "followers" to which I responded "I don't have followers, I have friends".  Well, that was my first mistake.  I did have friends, but I also had followers.  People who only seemed like they were my friend because I was popular and who only "trolled" because trolling was popular and as soon as trolling's popularity passed, they claimed to be against trolling.  I won't name names, but it was easy to tell when my popularity finally faded who was still with me.  And yes, my popularity faded.  Trolling is basically dead.  A certain poster tried many times to tell me that I was trying to hard to live up to my old standards but I didn't listen.  So now I reflect back on myself and realize that I mistook popularity for friendship because I was of the unpopular mindset where the people who were my friends actually were my friends.  I won't be making that mistake again.  I will still be a heel but I want to be an unpopular heel.  I want people to hate my guts.  Especially those who claimed they were trolls until it wasn't cool and then started complaining about trolling.  There's a special place in troll hell for you assholes.  Again, I'm not naming names, but you'll be able to figure it out.

Anyways, I wanted to write this more as a thank you to my real friends but raged anyways.  Oh well.  It's nice not being popular anymore.  Sure the blog doesn't get as many views as it used to but that's assuming that I ever cared how many pageviews I got.

Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Eggs eggs eggs eggs

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

It's Time To Get Real About The Mazdaspeed 3

The Mazdaspeed 3 doesn't get as much press as it used to.  When it first came out it was something of wonder because it was everything a normal Mazda 3 was not.  It was raw, powerful and light.  It made its contemparies look like pathetic washing machines for less money and yet it still gets ripped on every chance people get.  But it's time to get real, the Mazdaspeed 3 is an incredible vehicle.

The normal Mazda 3 was a great car simply because it was very docile.  Even the top 2.3 liter engine making 160 horsepower doesn't even feel like it's making that.  The car can be driven down the highway with your pinky finger.  For such a small, cheap car, one can get a ton of options for it.  For these reasons, the Mazda 3 was a favorite for a first car or for older people looking to downsize.  It was the version of the Focus that the Focus should have been, but hey, Mazda has always been good at taking Ford products and actually making them good.  The first generation was a real sales winner for Mazda, nobody could resist the cuteness of the Mazda 3.  Some may think that 100,000 sales a year in the US every year since 2004 doesn't sound like much, but for Mazda these are awesome numbers.  If you consider that Mazda's next best selling car, the Mazda 6, doesn't even manage half of that most years, you can see how important the success of the Mazda 3 was.  Even the goofy facelift to add the smile didn't slow sales down.

Then Mazda decided to launch their direct injection, turbocharged engine, one of the first to market.  The first run of the engine made its way into the Mazdaspeed 6 and the ill-fated CX-7.  While the Mazdaspeed 6 was a great car, it didn't get a lot of press and suffered from reliability issues not only with its engine (since Mazda tends to Beta test in production) but its cobbled together all wheel drive system.  As a result, the Mazdaspeed 6 was not a strong seller, best that I can tell only 10,000 of them were ever slated for the US and I think that figure is optimistic.  Since the 3 was launched, many suggested that it could make use of a more powerful motor.  Mazda did not have one besides the Duratec that they sourced from Ford and that engine would not fit in a Mazda 3.  However, since the Mazdaspeed 6 was using the same 2.3 liter with a turbocharger that the Mazda 3 currently used so it wasn't much work to take that engine and put it into a Mazda 3.

Thus the Mazdaspeed 3 was born.  263 horsepower and 280 ft/lbs of torque in a 3,100 container.  It was hell on wheels.  Subaru shit themselves.  Sadly, Mazda could not fit an all wheel drive system under the 3 so they had to take a couple of measures to control all of that power to the front wheels.  Power is detuned in 1st and 2nd and also when the wheel is not straight ahead.  This creates some very interesting feeling when driving it because if you have the pedal floored and straighten the wheel, the power spikes.  Despite not being able to launch at all, it still managed to make the WRX of that era look incredibly stupid because it had gobs more power and for a lower price.  Even though the 3 had a jet engine strapped to it, the vehicle retained its incredible dynamics.  Those same characteristics that made the regular Mazda 3 incredibly easy to drive made the Mazdaspeed 3 a handling monster.  Yes, there was the usual understeer under power that every limited slip equipped FWD vehicle has but a responsible driver could really tear the pavement up.

But of course, the Mazdaspeed 3 was so awesome that people couldn't help but insult it.  As every high powered FWD car, the Mazdaspeed 3 would torque steer.  In fact, the first time I drove one, going to wide open throttle in 3rd gear almost resulted in an involuntary lane change.  Only a wimp complains about torque steer and compared to a WRX, the Mazdaspeed 3 is a go cart.  The WRX is soft and understeers like a minivan until it doesn't and then you crash.  Add to that the fact that Mazda was quite conservative in their rating of the MZR (a dyno test of a 2007 resulted in 260 to the wheels) and you have a big time winner.  Even the later WRX that matched the MS3 in power couldn't beat it around VIR in the C&D Lightning Lap.  And when you consider that it beat big names like the GTI, Challenger SRT8, RX-8 R3, G37 and Cooper JCW you realize that the MS3 is an incredible value for the price.

So why does it get beat up on so often?  The Mazdaspeed 3 is unapoligetic.  It is harsh to drive for a stock car and it's MZR is tempremental just like the other vehicles that came equipped with that engine.  A long drive in the MS3 will leave your arms tired as its grippy tires will find every imperfection in the road.  It has the typical Mazda rattles and typical Mazda interior.  But all of this is easily forgiven when you realize that the Mazdaspeed 3 in today's market checking every option box on the Mazdaspeed 3 results in a price only slightly over $27,000.  Check no boxes and you're only looking at $24,000.  There's no optional handling packages that make the car the way it should be that you have to have so technically the base is all you need.  When you figure that the WRX starts $1,500 higher and can easily climb over $30,000 before you even add the letters STi, the MS3 shows just how great a value it is.

But most of all, the Mazdaspeed 3 is exactly why the Alphabet Soup Car is such a massive fail.  If you're in a world where rear wheel drive actually means a premium for you, then you might think that the Alphabet Soup Car is worth it but frankly it isn't.  The Speed 3 is even going to give you more passenger and cargo room for this lower price.  So the Mazdaspeed 3 is awesome unless you don't like giving effort while you're driving, so I guess if you want something that isn't going to ask anything of you the Toyota dealership is over there.

Monday, September 17, 2012

I am Dash Rendar

A few years ago, I was a globetrotting mercenary and smuggler, working for the highest bidder.  I separated emotion from my work and did what was necessary to get paid.  All these tools with "swag" have no idea what swagger is.  I was a galactic bad ass.  I once saved that whiny bitch Luke Skywalker from a swoop gang on Tatooine, and I fought in the Battle of Hoth, and unlike that whiny bitch Luke Skywalker, I didn't get shot down. 

After Han Solo was taken by Boba Fett, (a little known fact, he's a good friend of mine,) everything when down the garbage chute.  It really all came to a head when those Bothans were toasted on my watch.  I've never forgiven myself for that.  That was when I realized I had to get out.  I was tired of always being on the wrong side of any given fight.  I just had to wait for the right time to make my disappearing act happen. 

The Battle of Skyhook was that moment. 

After we turned the Skyhook into a metallic asteroid field, a window of opportunity showed me its gaping maw.  I took the moment by the tusks and fired my last remaining torpedo at the biggest piece of rubble near me, temporarily blinding my comrades.  By the time the flash was gone, so was I.  I was nearly a parsec away by the time they got out of the rubble field. 

After resupplying in the outer rim, I decided it was time for me to leave the galaxy altogether.  Leebo decided he wanted to stay and bought his own ship on Tatooine.  I'll miss that goofy droid bastard.  I knew it would be a very long trip to the nearest galaxy but what the hell, I did it anyway.  It took me nearly two years to get here, even with an (illegally) modified hyperdrive unit.  I searched for a planet with any kind of technology, and I must say, this galaxy is pretty primitive comparatively.  But supplies ran thin when I found this place and decided that I would be best served to stay here in something of a retirement. 

So here I stay.  The Outrider is hidden away until I find a suitable power source and I have a job selling car parts because, despite their primitive nature, are fun and interesting pieces of machinery.  I may take up a career in writing about them.  Maybe racing them.  Whatever the case may be, I am Dash Rendar, Whether you believe it or not. 

I'm Going to Talk About Pokemon Again

I love Pokemon, mainly because my daughter is really enthusiastic about it too.  Of course she likes Pokemon that are cute rather than Pokemon that are strong.  Explaining to her why she can't take on the Elite Four with her Purrloin and Deerling is kind of difficult but she doesn't like the fact that I need to use big and ugly Seismatoad and Conkeldurr to fight them.  She also doesn't want Axew to evolve because Haxorus is ugly.  But really, I still love the fact that she loves something that I love, it makes it a thousand times better because she'll see a cool Pokemon that I am battling and want me to get it for her.  I feel accomplished because I am giving her something cool and it doesn't cost any money, a great thing when money is as tight as it is.

Despite money being tight, I'm giving generation four another shot.  For those that don't remember, my last run in with generation four was not good.  I really didn't care for Pokemon Diamond because I didn't relate to the Pokemon in it and there was just too much going on.  However I cannot give it too much crap because it did lead me to Pokemon Black which I love.  My love for Pokemon Black is compounding lately and has led me to get even more Pokemon which means I have to buy some of the older games.

A run in on the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection one night showed me that my selection of Pokemon was far too thin as I got mutilated by hundreds of Pokemon with Japanese names that I had never seen before.  My next trip onto the Wi-Fi connection was for trading which resulted in me negociating with Japanese people to get some really cool stuff at really no cost to me as everything I traded I could get again.  I was so excited about doing trading that it took me hours to get to sleep that night and I've been preparing to trade again ever since.  But I realized that a majority of the junk I had in my PC boxes was not desirable to this Japanese Pokemon Bankers.  I needed more capital, so I started breeding everything rare that I got.  I've got Bulbasaurs, Torchics, Eevees, Snivys, Oshawotts and Tepigs coming out my ears but I knew that certain things I wanted weren't even going to come into the trade window.  For one, Pidgey.  He was always my favorite, I called my Pidgeys "Punkin" every single time after my beloved, now passed, lovebird.  But these Pokemon Bankers weren't likely to even offer Pidgey because his top evolution doesn't have great peak numbers or moves.  Although if any those kids that night would have slapped one up I would have thrown my Reshiram at them and it would have been the trade of their night.  The kid that got Cobalion for Bulbasaur probably thought I was an idiot.

People who don't play Pokemon have no idea what I'm talking about right now.  Quam quam quam quam quam.

So this weekend I started playing Pokemon SoulSilver.  For those that know what I'm talking about you probably think I'm the biggest hypocrite on the planet right now.  I said I hated generation two and generation four and now I just bought a generation four remake of a generation two game?  What's wrong with me?  QUAM, to you.  Pidgey is the answer.  And Pikachu.  You know how many times this weekend I was asked if I caught Pikachu yet?  I lost count, but I was asked again this morning before she went to school.  Catching Pikachu will make me a god.  But more than that, SoulSilver gives me a chance to catch all the generation one Pokemon that I love and transfer them to Black making the game I love even better.  I will feel so cool sporting an Articuno and Zapdos in Black.  My daughter will be cool sporting a shiny Lugia.

So it seems that the fifth generation has actually caused me to appreciate the previous generations more.  Am I bothered by the lack of direction and speed in SoulSilver that Black has?  Yes, I am.  Fifth generation brought a lot of intensity and speed back into the game.  The text is faster, battle animations are quick and feel less forced than fourth generation.  But there is something satisfying about being able to catch and use the Pokemon that I learned to love from the first generation.  SoulSilver is full of first generation Pokemon because the second generation only added about 100 new Pokemon and 10% of them are "legendary" ones.  I actually really like the selection.

So the moral of the story is that SoulSilver has redeemed both the fourth and second generations in my mind.  It is a fantasic remake that although it still is lacking the clear direction, speed and extra features of Black has made me forget about many of the failings of Diamond.  It really makes me wish that FireRed and LeafGreen were for DS rather than GB Advance.  But hey, give it time.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Ocarina of Time Wasn't That Good

You are having so much rage just reading the title that you probably died.  That’s okay, you deserve it.  The thing about Legend of Zelda is that while the games are mildly entertaining, people tend to put them on this undeservedly high pedestal.  Shit, the stupid Ocarina of time has a 99 on fucking Metacritic.  Frankly the Zelda games for the NES sucked so incredibly hard that I can’t even stand to play them.  Link To The Past was a wonderful game because it was challenging and actually a lot more open than one would think.  I would commonly get the hookshot and do a bunch of dungeons out of order.  And it was beautiful.  It was a great game but still far from the finest game on SNES.  Every Zelda game that came out after Link To The Past was a disappointment to the series and the ones that have come out since Majora’s Mask are just plain terrible.  Playing half the game as a fucking dog?  Bitch please…

When Ocarina of Time came out it had the unfortunate fate of being released after Super Mario 64 which was in a million ways its superior.  In Ocarina of Time, you could barely jump and explored only the world you could you could touch with your feet.  You kinda like went underwater a little bit and could float with a chicken.  Link loves cock, just sayin’.  You hack shit, you do a dungeon, you find an item, you do stuff with that item, you kill a boss with that item, you move on.  Grind, grind, grind…  In Super Mario 64 you could do all sorts of acrobatic shit, you could fly, there were epic enemies, you could fly, there were dynamic environments, you could fucking FLY, epic Bowser, epic Yoshi, epic stages, epic challenges, EPIC FUCKING FLYING!  Not only that, there was a massive playground for you to pretty much do whatever the hell you wanted.  Basically, Super Mario 64 made Ocarina of Time look like a Playskool game.  But that’s not all.  Then Rare released this little game called Banjo-Kazooie.  It was Mario 64 squared.  The stage where you played the four seasons of the forest was so epically mind blowing that I nearly came just thinking about it.  Banjo-Kazooie rapes Ocarina of Time with a SINGLE FUCKING STAGE.  And then there’s the final battle where you FUCKING DOGFIGHT WITH A FUCKING FLYING FAT WITCH AH SHIIIIIIIIT…  I came.  Because of the game, not because of the fat witch.  And that’s just two games.  How about Ogre Battle 64, Harvest Moon 64, Star Fox 64, Super Smash Bros…  So really, what we’re working towards is not only is Ocarina of Time not even close to the best game on the 64 let alone the best game of all time.  Hell it wasn’t even the best Zelda game on the console!!!

Now you’ve probably come back to life as a zombie so you could rage at me even harder.  “RedChocobo you just talked shit about Zelda I’ll kill you and all of your decendants!”  Cry moar.  People consider linear games to be shit and you don’t get much more linear than Zelda.  The games force you to play them in a certain order every single time.  In today’s marketplace that would be a failure game and wouldn’t even get a real release.  Maybe to Steam or Xbox Live Arcade.  “But RedChocobo, that wasn’t the standard back then”.  Bitch please, Super Mario 64 already did it!  And Mario didn’t need a bunch of tools to fuck shit up.  The major problem I had with Ocarina of Time and the later Zelda releases is that it feels like you’re just running a bunch of chores with some action thrown in the middle.  Majora’s Mask actually had a chore list.  Games like Harvest Moon make you actually do chores but still seems far more rewarding.  The puzzles are elementary at best, being completely outdone by games like Lufia for SNES and the boss fights are so terribly simple that a caveman could do it.  The final battles boil down to a game of full contact tennis and running through a dude’s legs to hit his flailing, backwards facing junk.  FAIL!  Yes, I just used “FAIL” to describe Ocarina of Time, please clean the spittle from your screen.

But the worst thing that Ocarina of Time was guilty of was the story.  The one where  everything Link did was just the dream of a giant whale with gas problems had a better story.  Here’s Ocarina of Time in a nutshell.  Link wants to score with a chick so he gets a sword and kills a giant talking tree to get stuff.  Chick gives him an awesome gift and he totally ditches her to go score with a chick that has more money.  Chick with more money gives him a bunch of chores while she sits and stares endlessly into a stupid window.  In the process Link scores with a fish chick!  Then rich chick gets chased out of her house and gives Link more awesomer shit because it’s fucking blue!  Link ditches the awesome gift his first chick gave him and goes to become all powerful.  OOPS, Link fucked the world.  Link tries to fix the epic fucking he gave the world so he can finally score with rich chick but fuck, she gets captured.  Epic tennis battle!  World is still fucked but dude who really fucked shit up is dead.  Fuck, pre-pubescent again, Link doesn’t get to score.  Forever alone.  It’s worse than the story from basically every Disney movie.  This alone would be forgivable except basically every single Zelda from this point forward tells the same story over and over again with a tiny twist.  After Twilight Princess I couldn’t even stomach Zelda games anymore; I haven’t played one since.  Mario games are still far superior which is why Super Mario Galaxy is truly the best action game of all time and still somehow the two Galaxy games don’t manage scores as high as Ocarina.  Mario games re-write the fucking book every time they come out and Zelda games just re-hash the same old formula over and over.  I suppose I can take some consolation in the fact that the two Galaxy games still score higher than Skyward Sword.  From Wikipedia, “GameSpot however gave the game a comparatively lower score of 7.5/10, mainly criticizing its motion controls, linear progression and formulaic gameplay”.  NO SHIT SHERLOCK!  Every Zelda game since Link To The Past changed all the rules has been like that!  Tool switching has always required a pause which is frankly unacceptable, the games can only be played in one direction and it’s been the same damn story and game for nearly a decade!  It’s about time that people tell it how it is about Zelda.

The truth is, Zelda isn't Mario.  Zelda isn't Final Fantasy.  Zelda is Halo.  It's the same damn game over and over and over and over and eggs and over again.  It's been done so many times that it is just plain pathetic now.  But really, Zelda has been on a downward path for years.  They still haven't lived up to Link to The Past yet, and frankly, that's pretty sad.

U mad?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Get Down With The Trolling

[Parody of Down With The Sickness by Disturbed]

Can you feel that?
Ah, shit

Drowning deep in my sea of trolling
Broken your wind I keel
(Will you troll in to me?)
It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me
(Will you troll in to me?)

Looking at my own reflection
When suddenly it changes
Violently it changes (oh no)
There is no turning back now
You've woken up the trolling in me

Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
You mother get up come on get down with the trolling
You fucker get up come on get down with the trolling
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me

I can see inside you, the anger is rising
Don't try to deny what you feel
(Will you rage in to me?)
It seems that all that was good has died
And is decaying in me
(Will you rage in to me?)

It seems you're having some problems
In dealing with this trolling
Living with this trolling (oh no)
The world is a scary place
Now that you've woken up the trolling in me

Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
You mother get up come on get down with the trolling
You fucker get up come on get down with the trolling
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me

And when I troll
And when I troll
And when I troll
And when I troll
The FR-BR-GT-POS-S-Z-86 is crap
The Camero is slow
FWD is better
Trucks are worse than rice
Hyundai Copies
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
Quam quam quam quam
Mustang is Better
Cadillac competes with Lincoln
Lexus competes with Lincoln
Audi is better than BMW
Lincoln is better than Mercedes
GM is American Toyota
Dodge is going to be replaced by Fiat
The Challenger is a 10 year old E class
Here it comes, get ready to TROLL

Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the trolling
You mother get up come on get down with the trolling
You fucker get up come on get down with the trolling
Extreme rage now has come over you

Modern-Day Slavery: Working for a Corporation

Slavery as we know it is no longer legal...or is it?

Think about get up, most every morning. You get ready for work. You commute to work (unless you work from home, which if you do, this article doesn't apply to you. Check out one of my newly revamped sites like this one instead), you work for at least eight hours, if not commute back to your house, where you sit and veg out in front of the TV, or get on Facebook and troll until your heart's content.

Rinse and repeat until you fall over dead like an ox in the field.

Who controls all of this? Well, let's break it down:

What time you get up every workday - your boss

How many hours you work at day/week - your boss

How much work you have to do - your boss

When can you take a vacation - your boss

When can you get a promotion - your boss

Whether or not you can work on other projects - your boss

How much money you make - your boss

Notice a theme here? Yep, nearly every aspect of your waking day is controlled by someone else...your boss. If not them, then the company that you work for. Either way, they have complete control over you...just like the plantation owners had complete control over the slaves back in the 1800s. Although they did not receive any pay and barely any benefits, you, on the other hand, work for next-to-nothing (thanks to the Recession), otherwise known as "slave wages", and for benefits that decrease in value, while increasing in premiums every year. What's that I'm talking about?

Health know, the one that Republicans and Libertarians insist that is perfectly fine? Thank God we had a Democrat finally begin to put together some semblance of health care reform together...

But that's another article for another time.

In short, your boss is really a modern-day plantation owner, the place that you work at is really a modern-day cotton field, and you my friend...are a modern-day slave. The only way to break free from the chains is to start your own business. It could be something like a pizza place, or a consulting firm, or something really awesome like running an anti-Toyota site like Toyota Deathwatch Updates. Everyone is good at something, and chances are, whatever it is, you can turn it into your own business.

But Jessie, what if I have no desire to be my own boss?

That's fine, then don't...but take a hard look at your current situation:

1) Do you like the cotton field that you work in everyday?

2) Do you like the plantation owner that you work for?

3) Are the slave wages enough to "put some vegetables in the soup" every night?

If you answered "Hell No" to at least one of these questions, then it's time to pack up and move on. The grass is greener on the other side, and chances are, there is someone that actually values your time, input, and most

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Stop Whining 2012

It’s been 12 years since I last told you to stop whining and you are whining even harder than before.  But I suppose it’s natural because you are all idiots.  So, STOP WHINING.

What will this generation be marked by?  Consumerism.  We buy stuff because we need to buy stuff and leverage our future against it.  We go to more expensive schools than we should that get more expensive because we go to them and leverage our future against them.  We buy houses that we can’t possibly afford using instruments of mass financial destruction and leverage our future against it.  And then we whine when everything falls apart.  Deal with it.

We “YOLO” because we can and screw up our future because DSSNFYLUL (Do stupid shit now fuck your life up later) doesn’t roll of the tongue quite as well.  But hey, it’s something else to whine about.  You’re 25, living in your parents house and with a bunch of student loans secured by the very house you live in, you’ve never worked a day in your life and have entitlement issues and wonder why you can’t find a job?  Stop whining.  You can’t find a job because you’ve never had a job and your mid 20s is a bit late to be finding a job.  School isn’t everything and grades fade away a scant few years after leaving school but never having a job is for life.  So 16 year olds, get a job and stop making your parents pay for everything.  If there wasn’t any child labor laws you would have been working since you were 8 like your parents.  And stop bitching about not having a childhood when you fuck without a condom and get knocked up.  Deal with it.

The iPhone 5?  Who the fuck cares?  You have an iPhone 4SPSGSXXXSSSXXSStypeR$ that you bought 15 seconds ago but dammit now there’s going to be iPhone 5?  PREORDER THAT SHIT.  You fucking idiot.  If I bought a computer every 6 months because they added a single feature or color you’d think I was an idiot too.  And it’s not just the iPhone, it’s any stupid “smartphone” which is ironically named because they are marketed to stupidpeople.  And they make them so easy to buy on credit too!  You’ll whine when you can’t make the payment too.  Deal with it.

You can’t sing.  No matter what you see on television or who you think you sound like you can’t sing.  Most of the people you see on television or hear on the radio can’t sing either.  They have electronic enhancements.  That means that you just need to look pretty or write lad lyrics about lost love and BAM you’re a star.  Of course the lyrics alone aren’t enough but sometimes they can get people to notice you in a month then a few days later “who the hell is Adele?”  LOL, Adele was kinda funny because here you have a somewhat unattractive overweight female that managed to actually get 15 minutes of fame.  And the fact that’s unusual these days is a fail itself.  But yeah, you can’t sing and 99% of the people that go on the 100 different singing reality TV shows can’t either.  Music sucks.  Deal with it.

Quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam quam eggs.  Deal with it.

Cars are boring and stupid.  It’s our own fault, we’ve wanted cars that were boring and stupid for a long time now.  They’re also way too expensive just like anything that we can buy on credit.  They also focus too damn much on MPGs which is funny because high MPGs are supposed to save us money but cost more money to get more of.  Biggest catch 22 ever.  Deal with it.

You are stupid.  Nothing you do will ever make you not stupid.
You are boring.  Nothing you do will ever make you not boring.
You are racist.  Nothing you do will ever make you not racist.
Deal with it.

Arguing about politics is the stupidest thing that a person can ever do.  Scratch that, arguing about religion is worse.  The person you vote for is no better than the person the other person votes for because deep down they serve the same master: money.  You also don’t have enough money and everyone else has too much of it.  You deserve their money.  Taking it either makes you a thief or a bank.  Technically they are the same thing, just one has more money.  Having enough money makes you immune to most all laws.  It also means you deserve more money.  Give me your money.  I deserve your money.  Deal with it.

The world is going to end in December, give me all your stuff.  Just kidding, it isn't.  Deal with it.

What is really blowing your mind right now is this whole thing is supposed to be telling you to stop whining when really it is just a giant whine.  I am not a hypocrite though, you are.  Deal with it.

And don’t forget to stop whining, dammit.
Bump chick chick bump chick fart.

Americans Care Enough to Not Give a Damn

The level of bitching and complaining has reached an all-time high, thanks to the formation of the American Tea, I mean, the American Taliban, and social media. Now, because of Facebook, twitter, LinkedIn, StumbleUpon, Pinterest, YouTube, Tout, as well as the old standbys chat rooms, forums, and blogs, people from all over America can rant on and on about what a "socialist" President Obama is, because that's what the Koch Brothers' field generals (Limbaugh, Hannity, and Beck) have droned on and on about for what seems like ages now...all to the tune of lining their pockets with millions of advertising dollars.

Interesting footnote: Glenn Beck attends the same Ward as I do. Eventually...our paths will cross. I assume that a black hole will form and suck us into an alternate universe, one where Fox News replaces Comedy Central as entertainment.

Anyways, whenever I see the same ignorant Conservative rhetoric (usually by the American Taliban puppets), I naturally have to rage hard and go into full troll-mode. I usually lure them in with a inflammatory statement or two, then eventually take them to school with a barrage of facts and links. Once it levels out to a civilised discussion (which can take a while in some cases), I'm usually met with more ranting and raving, and a lack of facts via links. In fact, I have yet to see one viable link in all of the FB conversations that I've had over the years.

What's the point of all of this? Simple...quit bitching about how President Obama is a "socialist" (by the way, Fox News started using that word because they couldn't call him the "N" word on national television, and it wouldn't fare well against their slogan of "Fair and Balanced". I think that their slogan is supposed to be satire...I don't know), and go out and vote. That's the only way that your opinion will matter.

Take a look at the candidates, really analyse their stance on the issues...yes, I know that you're going to have to wait until the 11th hour for Mitt Romney, aka "Rmoney", because you and I both know that he'll change his mind/stance on virtually every issue at least 46 times.

Speaking of which, here's a video highlighting his staggering number of flip-flops...enjoy!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Rice and Big Stupid Trucks

You are already having rage.  How about some definitions first?

Rice (noun) - Any car of any make or model of any year that has modifications to make it more obnoxious including but not limited to fart cans, blue tinted headlights, bright colored rims, graphics, body kits and fake tow hooks.

Big Stupid Truck (noun) - Any non stock, quarter ton or greater truck and all diesel trucks.  Term coined by my wife PurpleChocobo.

I was driving with PurpleChocobo the other night and a car with an extremely loud fart cannon passed by.  She asked why someone would willingly do that to their car.  My knee-jerk response was to say that it was for attention, but I started to think about it more.  If I had to drive a Civic, I would probably make it as obnoxious as possible too.  If I have to be punished by driving an economy car then I might as well punish the ears of every single person that I drive by.  I would modify any car that I had to drive regardless of how 'worthless' it was to modify that car.  I probably wouldn't go so far as to throw a body kit on but I would probably do rims and I would definitely do intake and exhaust.  But what the fuck is up with hanging backpack things from the back of your car?  Seriously, can anyone explain this?  A Google search resulted in this response from a dude calling himself "fuzzpaw": "its thai belief that hanging a stuffed toy from your bumper or tow loop is like paying some sort of honor or last respect to the spirits of people who died on the roads as a result of car accidents."  Whatever, it's the equivilent of getting a tattoo of "whore banger" on your arm in Japanese to be an idiot, I mean cool.  According to Google Translate "Shōfu no bakuchiku" means "whore banger" in Japanese.  Go get your tattoo.  But really, people like to make fun of people that are ricers when really I think that if you have to drive a junkbox then you might as well have some fun with it.  It is a little bit more difficult to tolerate when I see a vehicle like a Lancer Evo or STi sporting a giant fart cannon and fake tow hook because I know that they make reasonable exhaust kits for those cars that don't look like a tin can strapped to the end of the pipe.  Then it has to jut out at a muthafukin angle because

Epicly Stupid

You know kids, the reason that some Supras and Eclipses run their exhaust at an angle is because the rear suspension geometry makes it so that having the exhaust come out straight would put an awkward bend in the pipe.  You're just bending your pipe for no reason.  You are stupid.  But then, I realize that making the exhaust of an EJ or a 4G63 sound good is basically impossible so again, you might as well make it as obnoxious as you can.

So now the discussion about Big Stupid Trucks.  All trucks are stupid, no exceptions.  U mad?  I hope you are.  Having to drive one is punishment.  Choosing to drive one is stupidity.  I would rather drive a thousand minivans than drive a single truck.  Most minivans actually have more utility than trucks.  But again, the same concept applies.  If I had to drive a stupid truck, I would make it belch black smoke and have the turbocharger sound like a jet engine too.  Again, if I'm going to be punished with having a vehicle that can't get out of its own way and can't be turned about twenty miles per hour I might as well have some fun with it. 

Redefining stupid.  Worse than a thousand rice cars.

Seriously though, why do people even bother with trucks?  "I go muddin' hur durr".  Is it really fun to destroy nature and possibly get stuck and become a Youtube video?  You're going so slow and what you're doing is likely just as illegal as me roasting down the highway at 100 miles per hour.  There's no rush, you're just being an idiot.  "You just don't get it RedChocobo".  Of course I do, go fuck yourself.  Modifying trucks is actually worse than street racing sixteen second Hondas, fact.  So basically trucks are stupid and you probably shouldn't even bother modifying one because it better be a company vehicle if you have to drive one.  If you purposely bought a truck please remove yourself from the gene pool.

So now truck owners have probably already put their fists through their screens and are burning effigies of me as we speak so who cares about them.  I use tiny effigies of myself as charcoal.  Problem?  But you, the dude in the econobox because that's all you can afford or whatever reason, you're probably saying: "RedChocobo, why would I waste my money on putting noisy exhaust on my econobox?  I bought this thing because I had no money."  Great question, I'm glad you asked it.  Well, I'm glad I asked myself that question while pretending to be you.  I also gave myself your credit card number.  Thanks for the HDTV.  But the answer to your question is that you don't need a lot of money to make your car fabulous.  First get a hacksaw.  Now, get under your car and find the catalytic converter.  Good, now on the manifold side go ahead and start cutting.  "But RedChocobo..."  SHUSH!  Keep reading.  Now at this point the entirety of your stock exhaust system should be disconnected from your engine.  You can discard it.  Take it to a scrap metal recycler or something, that cat converter will probably pay for the rest of your "exhaust system".  Now go down to Autozone and get a bunch of exhaust pipe segments until you have enough to get the pipe all the way to the back of your car.  Get a bunch of clamps too, no need for welding.  "Where's the muffler Re..."  SHUSH!  NO MUFFLER!  If you HAVE to have one, $20 Ebay special bro.  Get the biggest fart can you can find.  The more tasteless the better.  Now take all of those exhaust pipe segments that likely cost you less than $100 and strap them together with exhaust clamps.  WHAM, epic cat back.  HUGE FARTING SOUND.  Drive it.  Fucking tight!  Now get some PVC pipe and strap one of those $20 intake cones on the end.  WHAM epic cold air intake.  Racecar bro.  Don't ironically rice though, that ship has sailed.  Don't get a couple of two-by-fours and put them on your trunk.  Now when you drive around people will be bothered by you.  They will be trolled and by extension feel some of the pain that you feel everyday you have to drive a vehicle that was designed specifically to use as little fuel as possible.

Anyways, why did I write this post?  Because I understand why ricers do what they do better than ever.  The more you ridicule them the more they will rice.  It's not even cool to rice anymore so the people who still do it are really passionate about ricing.
Epic Win

Until next time, eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs.

Should Trolling Return

Some time ago I made a post here about memes where I mentioned that one day trolling on MT forums would die.  Well, it was like I was writing my own epitaph.  Trolling as we knew it is essentially dead on MT forums.  I wasn't even that sad that it went.  The "trolls" barely even post anymore and my semi-flameout as RedChocobo drove most of the trolls away from the board.  Basically I got mad about being blamed for all of the board's problems as I've described before.

Lately I've been posting more frequently under the name Snivy.  I haven't been trolling.  I barely use any trolling terms anymore except for the occational "problem" and certainly no nonsense posting.  It's boring though.  Last week I destroyed a thread or two and I forgot how good it feels and part of me wants trolling to come back.

I can't do it alone however.  I would need at least most of the troll squadron back to really make a difference.  Doing it alone would be too easy to ignore.  The mods are on their high horses too and some or all of us would likely get banned if we egged the forum.  But would it be worth it.

It would create a lot of rage for all of us to hit the forums at the same time.  If eggs, mad and jelly were involved some people may lose it completely.  It would be hilarious but I wanted to see who else felt the same as I did.  So let me know if you want to restart the trolling revolution.

Now if you'll excuse me...  Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Part 2...

"Because", we all make our own reality. So, the next time you hear somebody throw around the term racist, or bigot, or anything else idiotic like that, remember how your dick is in the wind. Also, Remeber that one man's unfortunate wet accident is another's wet dream. We know who WE are. We know that WE are, for the most part and certainly sans me, good honest people getting by in a world that is as cruel to us as it is to anybody else. We know that WE aren't what some guy who has just enough sense to pick a direction to piss but not enough to watch where the wind blows says we are.

So, my dear friends, keep it dry, keep it sane, and ignore anybody who calls you those kinds of terms because ultimately its just proof they live in a fantasy world, or worse yet, are just mean spirited deceitful people who aren't worth our time anyways, and certainly not our spare set of pants.

How about some motivation?

I hate to be the guy that is always so serious on this Blog. I mean, I'd much rather piss into the wind about how Democrats, all of them, and Republicans, every single one that ever lived, were somehow better or somehow worse than each other. What is better than pissing in the wind about this kind of thing? Pontificating is for the brave then huh? Pontificating is the art of pissing downwind. I think I may get it now!

Let's pontificate my friends, and let's try to keep our pants dry. Let's piss about racism. What the hell is racism? If you listened to the news, and only the news, you'd probably believe that it's pretty much the worst thing anybody could be; if you listened to politicians then you'd imagine that it means anybody who is called one has no credibility and deserves to be ignored and forgotten. Likewise, what the hell is a bigot? Apparently, listening to some, it means people who are on the wrong side of history. Well, if that isn't some made up shit I don't know what is. Anyways, who are racists? Well, the Klu Klux Klan probably qualifies and so do the Nazis. However, is that really what a racist is? I'd argue no, a KKK member or a Nazi is undoubtably racist but I submit that what they really are is just a bunch of dumbfucks with just enough intelligence to be dangerous. Make no mistake people, dumbe people are not to be feared, mildly intelligent people are the problem. They understand what racism is, they understand what race they are, they grasp a few basic constitutional principle and BAM! now they are political. But, now that we have that covered we need to get back to what is a racist. The answer is you and I are. I mean, I don't consider myself a racist, you probably don't either.

However, in today's world a racist is whatever somebody else labels you for however they percieve your actions or thought, that's at best; at worst, the term racist is simply applied to somebody you wish to be silent for having dangerous ideas. How about some piss drenched hypotheticals? You go into Starbucks and order your green mocha liberal vagina coffee, the pimple covered kid behind the counter looks through his hipster glasses and asks that you donate money to help kids in Africa. You, being taken aback by the stern nature of a kid you're sure you beat up in kindergarten, when he was in 8th grade I might add, stumble through your pocket to discover that you have no Canadian guineas to give the man. The dude gives you a blank stare, he's stunned. He has finally met what his philosophy 102 teacher has been telling him existed for the last decade, an actual real live country ass mother fucking backwood ass troglodyte who hates black people. Are you a racist? Or are you just, at best, a dude that doesn't have a dollar in their pocket? How about, at worst, a person that just doesn't give a flying fuck because you care more about getting your dick wet on Friday night than AIDS in the Congo. So, I'll ask again, are you a racist or just a normal person?

The hard answer is; you're both. To the guy who is still looking for girlfriend number one and who thinks he will be the new age Immanuel Kant you are the very lowest form of human being, a racist. To yourself, you are a normal guy. Let's wrap our heads around this before we point our dicks back in the wind. They are both right? How? Both answers are correct because both exist at the exact same time. How? The answer is because

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Sixey Ate A BRZ

For those that don't already know, Sixey is my lightly modified Mazda 6 S 5-speed.  She is happy.  Why?  Because she ate some alphabet soup.  It was tasty.

I was out on a trip to the grocery store on Labor Day when I saw a white car coming up in my rear view mirror.  I instantly knew what it was because I had been trolling it since before it was born.  It was a BRZ, the first one that I had seen on the road.  It had plates though so it couldn't have been that new.  The driver was younger than me and was driving the thing like an idiot.  The road we were on wasn't that crowded and I swore the first Alphabet Soup Car I saw I would race.  So as he started to come even with me I found second and stabbed the gas.  Being as my exhaust is loud my efforts did not go unnoticed and we were luckily coming up on a light.

I was itching for a fight anyways because the night before I had been taunted by a stupid kid in an RSX and couldn't give him what was coming to him because I had someone else in the car with me and she wouldn't let me go.  This time was different.  I was alone and I had the Alphabet Soup Car next to me.  The light changed and I did a little 1,500 "scoot-off" launch and he screetched a little which showed me I was racing an automatic.  When my cam got hot at 4,000 I just plain left him.  I think I had 5-6 car lengths by the time I wound out second so I just let off.  He came up beside again but he didn't give me a flyby or anything so I gave him a thumb and he returned which further cements my opinion that Subaru kids are pretty cool.

I wish it would have been a manual because picking on an automatic is frankly an unfair fight.  The manual would provide some challenge given that MT has them running times that are only very slightly behind what I can run in my car and they can actually get some RPM on their launch.  Given that I only have about 40-50 horsepower on one and they have 500 pounds of weight on me I think it would be fun.  I still doubt I'll ever see one up in the hills unless I arrange it. 

But now I can say I raced an Alphabet Soup Car.  I didn't have to troll or flame either, I just got a nice simple race.  But if you're in the Salem area and have a manual Alphabet Soup, let me know because I want a shot at a real one.

Books Are Antiquated

I know, your heart is filling up with rage as you read this. Good, keep hypocrite!

Chances are, you are reading this very article on one of three things:

1) Computer - re: iMac, MacBook Air, Mac mini, etc.

2) Tablet - re: iPad

3) Smartphone - re: iPhone

By the way, if you're not using any of the above, do yourself a favour and run out and get them. Then throw away or recycle your old PC (PieceofCrap) to someone less fortunate. Wait, nevermind...I wouldn't wish something like a PC on the less fortunate. They already have it bad enough as it is.

Anyways, so you're reading this on some type of electronic device, courtesy of the world wide web, or "the Internets", as the worst President in my lifetime would refer to it. You know who that is, the one that ran the country into the ground for eight years? Yeah, Dubya. Thank God we have a Democrat in the office cleaning up his mess. Still.

When's the last time that you've read a book? Or more specifically, when's the last time that you've had the time to read a book? My mother-in-law and wife always contend that books are still great...I usually just look at them and shake my head. I would read books, but I don't have all day to sit there and read about the same damn thing, over and over again. I need it in an 1000 word (or less) article, so that I can read it, absorb the information, and then move on to my next task. In short, I can't be bothered with reading a book. Just give me the Cliff Notes.

But other people love reading books, you might be saying to yourself...otherwise, why would there still be bookstores around? Great response...sounds like you took about .5 seconds to come up with that. It's what we call a "knee-jerk" response, or what Americans were accustomed to seeing from Dubya. I had many a great chortling from President Obama taking his sweet time not releasing his birth certificate. It probably was in the top drawer in his desk. By the way, I don't have my long-form birth certificate either...does that not make me an American citizen? I could care less, seeing as I'm also a naturalised citizen of South Korea. I could pretty much give a "F U" to the Colonies and hop onboard a plane back to the homeland, where a F-4 visa is waiting for me to begin my citizenship paperwork. Always good to have a backup option in your back pocket.

So, back to the subject of bookstores...yeah, I must have forgotten how Borders, Waldenbooks, Books-a-Million, and all of the other defunct bookstores are thriving in today's economy. Oh wait, they're all gone. The lone survivor is Barnes and Noble, the proverbial 800 pound gorilla that has slain its competitors over the years. But, you might ask, what's keeping them afloat?

Nook...and Nook Color. Not to mention the zillions of e-books out there. Nowadays, you can make anything into an e-books. Articles, status updates (still convincing a friend of mine to compile his Facebook status updates into a would be a heck of a read), even fact, this was actually done by someone.

So you see, since anything can be converted into an e-book, even actual books that took a bunch of trees that were mercilessly killed and thus slowly depriving the Earth of the vital oxygen that we humans need to...oh, I don't know, actually breathe. Do yourself a favour next time you start to think about doing something wasteful like buying a book, and at least consider buying one through Kindle or another e-book programme out there.

Please...for the trees...

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Long Term Ownership Review: 2004 Mazda 6 S

Inspired by Topheezy's review of his Accord, I am going to do a review of my Mazda "Sixey".  In 2004 I was struggling with my current car, a 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix.  I have written about it before.  It was starting to nickle and dime me and my attempt to do an aftermarket cam had resulted in failure.  The car was costing me $300 a month and I was tired of it.  So I made a trip behind the house to the Power Mazda lot.

I had been eyeing the Mazda 6 for quite some time.  Mainly because it came with a manual transmission, 6 cylinder engine and wasn't a Honda or BMW.  At the time, getting a 6 cylinder sedan with a manual transmission was quite impossible.  Even the Accord, which offered a manual transmission in the coupe, did not offer one in the sedan and I wanted four doors.  On my list at the time were three cars: the Mazda 6, a used 2003 Grand Prix GTP and a Lexus IS300.  All VERY different cars.  I had been a Grand Prix lover for a long time and was baffled by what people could accomplish once modifying their supercharged Prixs but I really wanted to go with a manual transmission and the Prix did not offer one.  I test drove the IS300, drawn in by its Supra engine and RWD but balked when I realized how slow they were and the $30,000 price tag.  So I tested the Mazda.

Going over to drive the Mazda that day was supposed to just be a wheel kicking.  I didn't even drive my trade over because I expected at the end of the day to not really be able to afford what I wanted.  Power had two Mazda 6 V6s on the lot that day.  One of them was a red car with beige interior, sunroof and the expensive Bose sound system.  Essentially, it had a bunch of junk I didn't want and one of the worst color combos ever.  The other one was a silver car with jet black leather interior and the sport package.  I humped it, it was beautiful.  However, I seemed to be exuding the aura of someone without any money because the dealer wouldn't even come out.  So I trolled them.  I went over and looked at a really cheap Mazda 3 and a kid not more than a few years older than me (I was 21 at the time) came out to help me.  I quickly dragged him back over to the Mazda 6 and I could see his enthusiasm drop.  It dropped further as I killed the Mazda twice just getting it out of the lot since I didn't actually know how to drive stick.  We went for a short and relaxed drive and went back to the dealership to talk numbers.  Of course the first thing he wanted to do was run credit on me since I think he fully expected to send me packing at that point.  Once he realized I could actually afford the car he got bright and chipper.

I caved on first pencil but still wasn't sure if I could make it work financially.  It was 2 days before my new job was even scheduled to start and I had never had a car payment before so I told him I needed more time to think about it.  So he puppy dogged it and sent me home with the car to "try it" for a day.  I took the car out to where I would test the Grand Prix and let it loose and I was sold from that moment, I would just make it work.

I know what you're thinking, 3 paragraphs and I actually haven't said a word about the car yet.  U mad?  I just celebrated my 8th year anniversary with Sixey.  We've been together longer than I've been with my wife and she was born before my daughter.  The relationship has been excellent.  I waited almost a full year before doing any modification but I couldn't wait.  I did run her at Woodburn Dragstrip when she had 5,000 miles on her to the tune of 15.2 @ 93, basically exactly what the magazines ran.  Sixey doesn't have the best aftermarket so parts for her are expensive.  The cold-air intake and piggyback module that was my first modifcation was nearly $600.  My next modification was a Magnaflow cat-back that I installed myself for another $500.  I bought some Mazdaspeed 3 rims off of my brother and the last modification was Tein basic dampers for $1200.  The result is a family car that can crush a JCW Cooper in the corners.

When I say that my Mazda could make an Alphabet Soup Car look stupid in both the corners and the straights I'm not trolling, its fact.  Even before the suspension I was praised for my line and performance at a track event.  I don't do a lot of racing, but it is fun to know that I can.  A lot of times cars are praised for their dual personalities in being a good car for hooliganism that you can live with everyday and Sixey meets that perfectly.  And I can carry a full set of track tires with me as well which I guess is a requirement for an everyday racer, at least it was for the Alphabet Soup Car.  She started with only 220 horsepower at the crank, but she now sports 205 wheel horsepower.  I've shown a number of IS300s my taillights to help me feel better about my choice.

The strange thing about Sixey is her accoustics.  I've raved about the sound of the Duratec before but the best way to describe the feeling is Honda VTEC.  Sixey's Duratec 30 only has variable valve timing on the intake cams yet something changes around 4,500 RPMs and her tone switches from a low growl to a mad roar and there's a huge hit of torque.  Other reviewers have noted this wild change and said that it felt like the car has a turbocharger.  The change in sound is what is most interesting.  It isn't as pronounced in a vehicle like the Mustang.  I never grow tired of it.

She's gotten older and so have I.  I rarely race anymore and I can't tell you the last time I took her up in the hills to stretch her legs but the transition to full time family vehicle from early 20s hooligan mobile has been remarkably easy.  My younger self loved the quick turn in, slick shifter and predictable responses at the limit.  My older self loves the comfortable heated leather seats, climate control and remarkable reliability.  Even with the harder aftermarket suspension, it still has a smooth ride.  Even after 100,000 miles the clutch is smooth and doesn't slip even under abuse.  The strong brakes have saved me from a number of potential accidents involving deer.  She is however, a true Mazda.  Road noise at freeway speeds is quite pronounced.  It got better when I removed her terrible factory tires but is still enough to require the radio be turned up quite a bit.  If the auto volume control is active the car will jump around 3 ticks at 60.  There are plenty of rattles around but such is the price for having a suspension that allows one to steer around a corner without having to nearly stop.  She likes to kill batteries about every 2 years or so, that's why I only buy batteries with 3 year warranties, LOL.  She also has a lot of engine movement underhood.  I went with a stiffer lower mount but before I made the swap I could hit the engine against the firewall.  The lower mount was removed after about a year and a half, it was torn.

I have few complaints about my car and will relentlessly defend it against any attack.  How many people can claim after 8 years that their vehicle has never had to go to a service department?  Her solid behavior makes it that much more difficult to justify ever replacing her.  Couple that with the fact that they just don't make vehicles like her anymore and I don't think I'll ever get rid of her.  I keep looking at new cars like the Fusion and the next Mazda 6 but they both lack a manual transmission with their top engines at this time.  Sixey remains perfect.  She's powerful, she has awesome handling, she treats me right.  When you've got everything you want, why look for anything else?