The Slow and The Tedious Part 4

Later, after the race, J Foo and his gang left somewhere, Joe saw J Foo’s sister trying to plead with them but they took off with him anyways.

Joe approached J Foo’s sister, “What the hell was that all about?”

J Foo’s sister said, “J Foo has been working for a drug cartel supplying fresh kittens for huffing, that’s where he got all that money to use to upgrade his car, and now they expect him to find the unhuffable kitten, and I’m sure he’ll get killed.”

“And his car was still that slow?  DAMN!”  Joe said, “I guess I’ll have to stop them then.”

“You can’t Joe, you are too slow,” J Foo’s sister said.

“I have to try, J Foo has done too little for me to just let him go and get himself killed,” said Joe.

“That doesn’t even make sense Joe!” Exclaimed J Foo’s sister, who for some reason this late in the story still does not have an actual name.  Either does Joe’s dad for that matter…  Neither does Joe’s mom, but what Joe’s mom does have is a lot of sex.  You know, she’s really promiscuous and stuff and somehow Joe is still an only child.  How does that work?  A million darts thrown at a dart board and somehow only one sticks?  We should probably focus on the matter at hand.

“Well, all toasters toast toast,” said Joe.

With his final words, Joe jumped in his Eclipse, J Foo’s sister climbed in too. 

“You’ll never find them without my help,” she said. 

“Are we going to fuck now?” Asked Joe.  J Foo’s sister threw up.

Joe took off and they went to where J Foo was going to pull off the job.  They knew that if they didn’t hurry J Foo was likely to get sodomized by a thousand angry raccoons.

J Foo’s sister told Joe the whole story, “The reason I’m sure J Foo will die tonight is because the cartel plans to use him as bait while they pull the real job elsewhere.  When the buyers find out that J Foo is just a decoy they’ll turn their raccoons on him for the trouble, but my dumbass brother thinks that they won’t have a problem with it, he’s sure to go down like a ho on some guy.”

“That’s a terrible metaphor,” said Joe.

“I know, it’s late and I’m just running out of ideas,” said J Foo’s sister, ah hell, let’s call her Laura or something.

Just as Joe was arriving, he saw all of the gang’s cars leaving as fast as possible.  Joe was shocked that J Foo had figured out what was going on, but now they were being chased.  Joe whipped out the gun that he had in the back seat.

“You are full of surprises Joe, who would have thought you’d have a gun?” said J Foo’s sister, Laura. 

“You don’t?” Asked Joe.

Joe raced after them, as he approached the first biker, he whipped out the gun and shot, the biker flew back and got run over by another one, but now Joe was a target.  There was still 3 bikers chasing J Foo, and now that they knew Joe was a threat as well, they wouldn’t be as easy to get rid of.  Joe drove up on one of the remaining bikers and prepared to shoot at him, the biker swerved and ran into Joe, which made the biker go flying, must have been on pot.  After realizing that they were just going to get killed anyways, the other two bikers took off because I am not going to try and explain with simple text some sort of epic chase scene because once again it is late and I am tired.  Besides how are people on motorcycles really a threat to people in cars?  What are they going to do?  J Foo could just drive by a police station or something and then the police would stop the guys on the bikes.  It isn’t really illegal to huff kittens, is it?  You know what is illegal is Joe’s mom having a train run on her by the entire Detroit Lions football team including the cheerleaders and the fans and the staff and the entire city of Detroit and the state of Illinois and the country of Spain and eggs.  Joe followed J Foo to what appeared to be a house that Joe had never seen before.  J Foo’s old Prelude was in bad shape, it had taken a lot of bullets and raccoon bites and now the police were after him as well for being a drug dealer.  J Foo went up to the garage of the house and opened it up.  Inside was an old Camaro, Joe figured that because it was old and a Camaro it must be fast.  Joe let J Foo’s sister out and yelled at J Foo to surrender to the police because he wouldn’t be able to run forever.

“Joe, I gotta get out of this place, I’ve got police, drug lords and Yor Mom after me, I’ve gotta skip the country,” said J Foo.

“You haven’t even figured out who Dee is yet and you’re going to just leave?  Unacceptable, besides I still haven’t fucked your sister so you can’t leave,” said Joe.

“You’ve got to catch me first,” said J Foo as he started up the engine to the Camaro.  J Foo popped the clutch on the Camaro as any ricer would do and started to drive away.  Joe quickly started after him in the Eclipse.  Joe chased J Foo for a few miles, easily pacing him because the Camaro was not as fast as Joe thought because old cars are slow and can’t steer.  They came up to a stoplight and J Foo stopped.  Up ahead, Joe could see a railroad crossing.

“I used to get caught trying to drag here back in high school, that railroad crossing is exactly a quarter mile from here, on green I’m going for it,” said J Foo.

Joe looked at him, not saying a word, wanting to prove that he could beat J Foo and prove that he was no longer a slow mo.  The light turned green and Joe hit the gas and the Nitrous at the same time.  The 200 shot hit so hard that it vaulted the front end of Joe’s Eclipse into the air and shot him 6 or more car lengths ahead of J Foo.  Joe came.  J Foo had plenty of Nitrous of his own and used it to catch up to Joe.  They were running near neck and neck but Joe was still ahead.  Up at the railroad crossing, a train was approaching.  Joe looked forward and saw the train; J Foo did the same.  J Foo was showing no signs of slowing, so Joe decided that he was going to beat the train.  J Foo had more NOS so he used it, and went even faster.  Joe also had more NOS so he used it.  J Foo also had more NOS so he used it.  Joe also had more NOS so he used it.  J Foo also had more NOS so he used it.  Joe was running his car as hard as he could; they were nearing the train crossing.  The train made him think of his mom.  In a spectacular jump, Joe flew across the tracks just before the train got there.  J Foo was not as lucky though.  The train hit J Foo’s car and ripped the rear end of the car straight off and sent the remaining piece spinning through the air.  Then J Foo’s car ramped off the front of a semi-truck, because they are shaped just like ramps aren’t they?  After ramping up into the air J Foo’s car ran into a flock of geese and ramped further into the air and did a massive 720 before finally getting caught in a tree.  Then the crash repeated over and over from 27 different camera angles.  Joe ran up to J Foo’s car and climbed the tree.

“That was sweet, let’s do it again,” said J Foo when Joe finally got there.  Joe could hear the Police approaching; he had to make a choice.  Would he surrender J Foo to the Police or would he just leave like nothing had happened and take J Foo with him.  Joe helped J Foo from the car and they drove off in the Eclipse.

J Foo managed to skip the country along with the rest of his gang and went to Japan where everyone has rice mobiles because American cars aren’t permitted and Mustangs have SR20s, fucking commies.  Joe’s dad, realizing that Joe was no longer the slow mo that he used to be gave Joe a permanent position in his shop where they continue to make money off ricers.  Yor Mom finally realized that his WRX was quite slow and that he could have done much better with something different because turbo doesn’t make a car “Da Bomb”.  J Foo’s sister stayed in the city with Joe, and finally Joe scored with her because he had actually done something heroic.  And then a deflated basketball hit Joe.