The Slow and the Tedious Part 3

The next day, Joe went back to his Dad’s part shop.  He approached his dad.

“Let me guess Joe blow, you need a bigger shot of NAWZZZ?” Joe’s dad asked mockingly.

“Actually no, Asians came by and put a match in my car and it went nuclear from the NOS so now I’m going to ‘build up’ a Mitsubishi Eclipse and so I need one of the turbo 4’s from a GSX,” said Joe.

Joe’s dad broke out in hysterical laugher at his son.  “What the fuck Joe Blow?  You blew up your other car so you want to do the same to another car with an engine that you can’t possibly afford so that you can street race for ‘respect’?” Asked Joe’s dad.

“DUR!” exclaimed Joe.

“Just because it will be quite epic to see you fail, I’ll do it.  But when you lose, you’ll have to work off all the money you owe me and no more ricing,” said Joe’s dad, “But if you win, which I’m sure won’t happen, I’ll pay for it all and you keep the car but you still have to work here because your life of perpetual fail is absolutely hilarious to me.”

“Thanks Dad, you’re the best,” said Joe.

“Don’t call me that,” said Joe’s dad, “It makes me sick.”

So Joe got all the parts he would need to make a tyght Eclipse from his dad.  Rather, he brought in an issue of Sport Compact Car and said, “I want these.” The whole time, his dad was laughing and mumbling something about how he couldn’t believe that Joe was possibly his son and something else about wishing he’d used protection or whatnot.  Joe took all the parts back to J Foo’s garage so that they could start working on the car.

By the time that Joe got back to the garage, J Foo and his ‘team’ had managed to do significant damage to the Eclipse with ‘body modifications’.  To a normal person, the car looked dumb as hell, but to Joe, it was cool.  The wing for the back of his front wheel drive car cleared the rear trunk-lid by 25 inches.  Joe showed them the parts that he’d gotten from his dad.  They started looking at them.

“What the hell are these?” Asked Aie holding up spark plug wires.

“I thought you guys knew what you were doing when it came to cars?” Said Joe.

“We only know how to apply stickers, do body mods and paint stuff under-hood,” said Yo.

“I’ve got a cool air intake,” said J Foo.

“Oh my god, you guys are pathetic!” exclaimed Joe.  “Why the hell do you race if you don’t upgrade the engine at all?”

“Don’t our cars look cool though?” Asked Yo.

“Just changing the way your car looks doesn’t make it fast!  No wonder you guys lose to Yor Mom every year at race wars.”  Said Joe.

“Can you help us Joe?  We want to win against Yor Mom this year,” said J Foo.

“First, we need to head down to my dad’s shop and get some parts to make your cars faster,” said Joe, “Let’s go!”

They all rolled down to Joe’s dad’s shop.  They stepped out and headed into the shop.  J Foo’s team was amazed; they’d never seen some of the things in the shop before.  They did recognize the fart cans and turbochargers however.

Aie said, “Man I wish I had a turbo so I could put a loud blow off valve on it.”

J Foo replied, “My favorite is that one that sounds like a turkey.”

Joe’s dad noticed them come in.  “You guys must be Joe’s retarded ricer friends,” he said.

“Yup, that’s us,” said J Foo, “We need parts for our cars.”

After glancing outside to see what kind of cars they had, Joe’s dad responded, “I see you have the same disgusting taste in cars as Joe does.”

“We all want to improve our cars so that we can beat this Asian guy’s WRX at Race Wars,” said Joe.

“Nothing like setting your goals low,” Joe’s dad said, “But if you have the money, I’ll get my people working on your cars.” J Foo whipped out a chunk of cash, probably around $15,000.

“Where the fuck did you get all that cash J Foo?”  Asked Yo Gee.

“From my mom,” said J Foo.  Joe didn’t believe him, he had seen where J Foo lives and unless his mom was a very successful professional um… whatever it is politically correct to call a ho these days, there is no way he got that money from his mom.  Joe was curious.

So, with the money paid, the people in Joe’s dad’s shop went to work on the cars.  In order to beat the WRX, J Foo’s car would need around 400 HP without NOS.  With an old Honda engine that would be near impossible, so they had to swap in an H22 that they got overnight from Ja-Pan and then work on getting that engine up to 400 HP, so that took the entire 15 grand.  But, who cares about the other cars. 

One night after Joe had finished working on cars, he was just getting back to his house and J Foo’s sister was there.  Joe started thinking that maybe he would get laid tonight because sometimes his mom would go over to people’s houses and then she would end up getting plowed by them for a while and then getting plowed by their friends and then getting plowed by their refrigerator.  At first he thought that maybe it was customary for a woman to give a blowjob to a man as a gift when visiting their house but as he got older he started to think that maybe his mom was just easy like Sunday morning.  However, Joe decided that once again it might be best to remain focused on the current situation.

J Foo’s sister walked up to Joe.  “Joe Blow, why do you race fart machines?” She asked.

“Because my entire life has been working towards getting laid and I find that street racing is my best chance to achieve my goal.”  Joe responded.

“Some advice Joe,” J Foo’s sister said, “Racing cars will be the end of you, stop doing it.”

“So are you going to have sex with me like in Fast and the Furious?” asked Joe.  J Foo’s sister walked away laughing hysterically.

In the meantime, Joe’s Eclipse was coming together.  He had installed his new engine, with plenty of help of course.  Then he installed a new turbocharger and boosted the hell out of it.  Then he installed a nitrous kit that was wired correctly so that it would actually work when he hit the switch.  After they finished Joe’s car they started it up and it farted to life.

Aie started petting the car, Joe yelled, “Get your grimy hands off, I just waxed this thing!”

Joe and J Foo went rolling down the highway until they met up with a BMW 325.  Joe looked over at the BMW driver and asked, “Nice car, what’s the retail on one of those?”

The BMW driver responded, “I don’t know, my parents bought it for me.” And he started revving.

J Foo looked over at Joe and said, “Smoke ‘em.”

BMW 3-series are not fast, so when the light changed, Joe was able to destroy it.  Joe’s Eclipse was easily able to pull on the slow Bimmer because of all the boost he was running.  Joe kept on going faster and faster until he had ‘maxxed’ out his speed while the whole time humming ‘Superstar’ by Saliva.  Shortly after the race, Joe stopped at a seafood restaurant.  Joe and J Foo sat down to have some food.

“What’s up with you today Joe?  You’re not your usual slow mo self,” said J Foo.

“J Foo, where did you really get that 15 grand that you whipped out at my dad’s part shop?” Asked Joe.

“I told you, from my mom,” replied J Foo.

“I’ve seen where your parents live, they aren’t rich enough to be just giving you 15 grand,” said Joe, “So whatever you’re in on, I want in on it too.”

“After Race wars Joe,” said J Foo, “Maybe I’ll let you in on what I’m doing, but until then, just try to focus on who Dee is.”

“But nobody knows who Dee is or just where Dee’s nuts come from!  I have spent the better part of my life trying to figure that out and I have finished wasting my life!”  Exclaimed Joe.

“Look, until you perform at Race Wars, I can’t let you in on what I’m doing,” said J Foo, “Now are you going to eat your fat?”

So Joe went with J Foo and his gang to Race Wars.  Sure enough, there was lots of rice there as well as wet T-Shirt contests.  There was so much rice present that there was a constant buzz in the air as if you were around a bee’s nest.  Joe went and parked his Eclipse near the rest of the gang’s cars and Joe went to check out some of the action.  The first race that Joe got to watch was a riced Accord LX and a CRX.  They weren’t keeping track of quarter mile times because that would be embarrassing for most of the people there to see how slow their car actually was in the quarter mile, so they did the 1/8^th mile instead.  Ka Beech was getting ready to race a guy with an Elantra.

“Baby, hey baby,” the guy said, “You are ugly for a girl!  You look like some kind of small rodent!”

“And you drive a Hyundai,” replied Ka Beech.  With insults that brutal, they knew it was on.  No Hyundai had ever been built fast, and this one was no exception.  In a fit of orgasmic pleasure, Ka Beech was easily able to beat him because any car that was running could have. 

Finally, Yor Mom and his gang showed up.  His WRX was just as ricey as before and likely wasn’t any different then Joe had seen it the day that Yor Mom came by the garage aside from his new body kit.  Joe knew that he had to race Yor Mom and win because if he lost then he’d have to do unspeakable things for his dad, and that, he was unwilling to do.  Joe had to win, for himself and for his car, because if he didn’t win with as much boost as he was running he might as well shoot himself.  J Foo pushed Joe out of the way.

“I want to race Yor Mom,” said J Foo.

“Everyone wants my mom,” said Joe.

“No, Yor Mom,” said J Foo.

“Oh,” said Joe.

J Foo pulled his Prelude up to face Yor Mom.  He had prepared for this moment for a long time, or at least like the last couple of days.  He was tired of getting pushed around by Yor and his various preppy crap.  This time he was going to win.

“What’s up Foo, you gonna race your kiddy shit against my Rex?” Asked Yor.

“It’s on, for pinks,” said J Foo.

Joe was worried.  “We haven’t had a chance to test your car J Foo and now you’re going to race against Yor Mom for pinks?”

“I have to, it’s about respect,” said J Foo, “And eggs.”

J Foo revved his H22 to the redline and so did Yor Mom, when the mildly buzzed flagger dropped his hands they took off.  J Foo roasted his tires badly, he had never experienced torque before and Yor jumped out to a big lead.  J Foo hit his NOS and came.  He was pulling on Yor Mom.  He might actually make it this time.  But then, a sound came from under the hood of his car and the hood flew into the air.  The welds on the intake had blown!

“SHIT!” yelled J Foo, and he lost.  Yor Mom couldn’t help but laugh at J Foo’s pitiful attempt.

“Now your car is belong to me, and all your base,” said Yor Mom.

Joe had to do something to make this right.  “Race me, all or nothing.  If I win, I get J Foo’s car back and if I lose you get my car too.  And my mom.”

Yor Mom gasped, Joe’s mom might be real loose like a long neck goose but she was incredibly skilled and if he won, he would have Joe’s mom all to himself.  “You’re on!!!” Yor said without hesitation.

J Foo said, “Don’t do it Joe, he must have over 9000 under the hood of that car.”

Joe rolled up to the line and prepared to race Yor Mom.  Joe looked over.

“I’m going to really enjoy your mom,” said Yor Mom, “My garbage disposal will too.”

Both cars were farting away at the line.  Yor Mom just sat with the car bouncing off the rev limiter.  The flagger dropped his hands and they were off.  Joe knew as they took off that it was going to be a close race, they were within one car length of one another and Joe was winning.  Yor Mom hit his nitrous and started gaining on Joe.  “Too soon junior,” Joe said and he crossed his fingers and hit the nitrous switch.  Sure enough, it worked this time, and Joe started to pull away from Yor Mom as the world blurred around him.  Turns out that the nitrous was actually leaking into the cabin of the car.  Joe started laughing maniacally.  The speeds were incredible to him, he had never gone so fast.  Finally after Joe nearly passed out, he won.  Joe couldn’t believe it, even though there was no chance that he could have lost with as much boost as he was running, but having lost his first race, Yor Mom was not happy.

“How could I lose to you Joe Blow?  I’ve never lost before,” said Yor Mom.

“That’s because all you would race was Honda rice mobiles,” said Joe.

Yor Mom attacked Joe.  As soon as Joe was attacked, he tried to kick Yor Mom in the balls, but he missed because Yor Mom is a ricer and has very small balls.  Yor Mom punched Joe in the face and Joe almost fell, but he came back at Yor Mom with a swift punch in the gut.  Yor Mom fell on the ground.

“Someday Joe, you won’t be looking and I’ll hit you with a deflated basketball,” said Yor Mom.

“Way to go Joe!  You managed to beat a WRX! To think that we actually thought that it was fast and cool looking,” said J Foo.

“Hey J Foo, we got a problem,” yelled Yo.

“What’s that?” Asked J Foo.

“Aie Flyby raced a guy with a Probe for slips,” said Yo Gee.

“Shit,” said J Foo, “He lost for sure; he’s only got 100 horses under the hood of that Escort GT.”

“Worse, after the race he tried to drive off to get away but his engine finally died off after burning all of the oil,” said Yo Gee, “So the guy caught him and started to beat the shit out of him.  And then after that the car caught fire and exploded, he’s dead.”

“Oh well, he was just a secondary character anyways, who needs him?” Asked J Foo.

“I’ll live without him,” said Joe.