Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Kübler-Ross Model: Mazda

ABSTRACT:  Party one (1) (heretofore referred to as "Mazda," or "The Subject,") and party two (2) (heretofore referred to simply as "Ford,") concluded a romantic relationship last year.  The purpose of this study is to examine Mazda's reaction, specifically in reference to the Kübler-Ross Model of the Five Stages Of Grief.  We will examine Mazda's denial ("I'll be just fine without Ford"), anger ("Goddammit you sonofabitch, I'll do what I want!"), bargaining ("please, I'll do anything! Just don't take away my Duratec!"), depression (heavy alcohol consumption accompanied by repeated Taylor Swift music), and acceptance ("Skyactiv's the limit!").


STAGE ONE: DENIAL:  In the initial stages following the incident, The Subject displayed "Trophy Wife Syndrome", frequenting cosmetic surgeons specializing in botox.  This resulted in an unnatural grin from "fender to fender."  Subject then named its own face "Nagare."  This strange behavior lead the research team to believe drug use was involved, but no evidence of such has been found.

STAGE TWO: ANGER:  Subject began heavily drinking race fuel and acting erratically, including the rejection of its own love child (named "Tribute"), and racing every weekend.  Subject then displayed homoerotic behavior, racing with Playboy as a sponsor.  Tribute has since displayed rejection syndrome, its throttle getting stuck wide open.  Tribute has been recalled and, at this point, no one has been hurt.

STAGE THREE: BARGAINING:  Apparently feeling remorse over the rejection of tribute, The Subject begged for Ford to allow the continuing use of genetic material from Ford's horse (named "Mustang").  Displaying even more bizarre behavior, Subject named the bastard child with horse parts "CX-9." Despite this, CX-9 has overcome its odd upbringing and become quite mature and strong.  Mazda continues heavy alcohol consumption.

STAGE FOUR: DEPRESSION:  Alcohol consumption reaches critical levels.  Subject shows strong affinity toward country music, particularly that of Taylor Swift.  Subject's botox smile inverts whenever Ms. Swift's "Never Getting Back Together" starts playing.  This causes inordinate amounts of drool, as subject's face (Nagare) is rigid due to unhealthy amounts of botox.

STAGE FIVE: ACCEPTANCE:  The Subject begins mumbling nonsense, such as "Kodo", and apparently intentionally misspelling words, such as "Skyactiv."  Subject dons what appears to be a lab coat and locks itself in a lab for days at a time, emerging only to shout "Zoom-Zoom, bitches!" at passers by.  Despite this behavior, subject shows signs of recovery.  Weeks later, new products emerge from said lab, showing no signs of Ford heritage.

CONCLUSION:  Subject showed all signs of the Kübler-Ross Model, recovering in a normal fashion.  This study shows a strength of The Subject, and we hypothesize that The Subject will have a bright future.  We will continue monitoring their progress.

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