Rice and Big Stupid Trucks

You are already having rage.  How about some definitions first?

Rice (noun) - Any car of any make or model of any year that has modifications to make it more obnoxious including but not limited to fart cans, blue tinted headlights, bright colored rims, graphics, body kits and fake tow hooks.

Big Stupid Truck (noun) - Any non stock, quarter ton or greater truck and all diesel trucks.  Term coined by my wife PurpleChocobo.

I was driving with PurpleChocobo the other night and a car with an extremely loud fart cannon passed by.  She asked why someone would willingly do that to their car.  My knee-jerk response was to say that it was for attention, but I started to think about it more.  If I had to drive a Civic, I would probably make it as obnoxious as possible too.  If I have to be punished by driving an economy car then I might as well punish the ears of every single person that I drive by.  I would modify any car that I had to drive regardless of how 'worthless' it was to modify that car.  I probably wouldn't go so far as to throw a body kit on but I would probably do rims and I would definitely do intake and exhaust.  But what the fuck is up with hanging backpack things from the back of your car?  Seriously, can anyone explain this?  A Google search resulted in this response from a dude calling himself "fuzzpaw": "its thai belief that hanging a stuffed toy from your bumper or tow loop is like paying some sort of honor or last respect to the spirits of people who died on the roads as a result of car accidents."  Whatever, it's the equivilent of getting a tattoo of "whore banger" on your arm in Japanese to be an idiot, I mean cool.  According to Google Translate "Shōfu no bakuchiku" means "whore banger" in Japanese.  Go get your tattoo.  But really, people like to make fun of people that are ricers when really I think that if you have to drive a junkbox then you might as well have some fun with it.  It is a little bit more difficult to tolerate when I see a vehicle like a Lancer Evo or STi sporting a giant fart cannon and fake tow hook because I know that they make reasonable exhaust kits for those cars that don't look like a tin can strapped to the end of the pipe.  Then it has to jut out at a muthafukin angle because
racecar. 

Epicly Stupid



You know kids, the reason that some Supras and Eclipses run their exhaust at an angle is because the rear suspension geometry makes it so that having the exhaust come out straight would put an awkward bend in the pipe.  You're just bending your pipe for no reason.  You are stupid.  But then, I realize that making the exhaust of an EJ or a 4G63 sound good is basically impossible so again, you might as well make it as obnoxious as you can.

So now the discussion about Big Stupid Trucks.  All trucks are stupid, no exceptions.  U mad?  I hope you are.  Having to drive one is punishment.  Choosing to drive one is stupidity.  I would rather drive a thousand minivans than drive a single truck.  Most minivans actually have more utility than trucks.  But again, the same concept applies.  If I had to drive a stupid truck, I would make it belch black smoke and have the turbocharger sound like a jet engine too.  Again, if I'm going to be punished with having a vehicle that can't get out of its own way and can't be turned about twenty miles per hour I might as well have some fun with it. 

Redefining stupid.  Worse than a thousand rice cars.

Seriously though, why do people even bother with trucks?  "I go muddin' hur durr".  Is it really fun to destroy nature and possibly get stuck and become a Youtube video?  You're going so slow and what you're doing is likely just as illegal as me roasting down the highway at 100 miles per hour.  There's no rush, you're just being an idiot.  "You just don't get it RedChocobo".  Of course I do, go fuck yourself.  Modifying trucks is actually worse than street racing sixteen second Hondas, fact.  So basically trucks are stupid and you probably shouldn't even bother modifying one because it better be a company vehicle if you have to drive one.  If you purposely bought a truck please remove yourself from the gene pool.

So now truck owners have probably already put their fists through their screens and are burning effigies of me as we speak so who cares about them.  I use tiny effigies of myself as charcoal.  Problem?  But you, the dude in the econobox because that's all you can afford or whatever reason, you're probably saying: "RedChocobo, why would I waste my money on putting noisy exhaust on my econobox?  I bought this thing because I had no money."  Great question, I'm glad you asked it.  Well, I'm glad I asked myself that question while pretending to be you.  I also gave myself your credit card number.  Thanks for the HDTV.  But the answer to your question is that you don't need a lot of money to make your car fabulous.  First get a hacksaw.  Now, get under your car and find the catalytic converter.  Good, now on the manifold side go ahead and start cutting.  "But RedChocobo..."  SHUSH!  Keep reading.  Now at this point the entirety of your stock exhaust system should be disconnected from your engine.  You can discard it.  Take it to a scrap metal recycler or something, that cat converter will probably pay for the rest of your "exhaust system".  Now go down to Autozone and get a bunch of exhaust pipe segments until you have enough to get the pipe all the way to the back of your car.  Get a bunch of clamps too, no need for welding.  "Where's the muffler Re..."  SHUSH!  NO MUFFLER!  If you HAVE to have one, $20 Ebay special bro.  Get the biggest fart can you can find.  The more tasteless the better.  Now take all of those exhaust pipe segments that likely cost you less than $100 and strap them together with exhaust clamps.  WHAM, epic cat back.  HUGE FARTING SOUND.  Drive it.  Fucking tight!  Now get some PVC pipe and strap one of those $20 intake cones on the end.  WHAM epic cold air intake.  Racecar bro.  Don't ironically rice though, that ship has sailed.  Don't get a couple of two-by-fours and put them on your trunk.  Now when you drive around people will be bothered by you.  They will be trolled and by extension feel some of the pain that you feel everyday you have to drive a vehicle that was designed specifically to use as little fuel as possible.

Anyways, why did I write this post?  Because I understand why ricers do what they do better than ever.  The more you ridicule them the more they will rice.  It's not even cool to rice anymore so the people who still do it are really passionate about ricing.

Epic Win



Until next time, eggs eggs eggs eggs eggs.