Ocarina of Time Wasn't That Good

You are having so much rage just reading the title that you probably died.  That’s okay, you deserve it.  The thing about Legend of Zelda is that while the games are mildly entertaining, people tend to put them on this undeservedly high pedestal.  Shit, the stupid Ocarina of time has a 99 on fucking Metacritic.  Frankly the Zelda games for the NES sucked so incredibly hard that I can’t even stand to play them.  Link To The Past was a wonderful game because it was challenging and actually a lot more open than one would think.  I would commonly get the hookshot and do a bunch of dungeons out of order.  And it was beautiful.  It was a great game but still far from the finest game on SNES.  Every Zelda game that came out after Link To The Past was a disappointment to the series and the ones that have come out since Majora’s Mask are just plain terrible.  Playing half the game as a fucking dog?  Bitch please…

When Ocarina of Time came out it had the unfortunate fate of being released after Super Mario 64 which was in a million ways its superior.  In Ocarina of Time, you could barely jump and explored only the world you could you could touch with your feet.  You kinda like went underwater a little bit and could float with a chicken.  Link loves cock, just sayin’.  You hack shit, you do a dungeon, you find an item, you do stuff with that item, you kill a boss with that item, you move on.  Grind, grind, grind…  In Super Mario 64 you could do all sorts of acrobatic shit, you could fly, there were epic enemies, you could fly, there were dynamic environments, you could fucking FLY, epic Bowser, epic Yoshi, epic stages, epic challenges, EPIC FUCKING FLYING!  Not only that, there was a massive playground for you to pretty much do whatever the hell you wanted.  Basically, Super Mario 64 made Ocarina of Time look like a Playskool game.  But that’s not all.  Then Rare released this little game called Banjo-Kazooie.  It was Mario 64 squared.  The stage where you played the four seasons of the forest was so epically mind blowing that I nearly came just thinking about it.  Banjo-Kazooie rapes Ocarina of Time with a SINGLE FUCKING STAGE.  And then there’s the final battle where you FUCKING DOGFIGHT WITH A FUCKING FLYING FAT WITCH AH SHIIIIIIIIT…  I came.  Because of the game, not because of the fat witch.  And that’s just two games.  How about Ogre Battle 64, Harvest Moon 64, Star Fox 64, Super Smash Bros…  So really, what we’re working towards is not only is Ocarina of Time not even close to the best game on the 64 let alone the best game of all time.  Hell it wasn’t even the best Zelda game on the console!!!

Now you’ve probably come back to life as a zombie so you could rage at me even harder.  “RedChocobo you just talked shit about Zelda I’ll kill you and all of your decendants!”  Cry moar.  People consider linear games to be shit and you don’t get much more linear than Zelda.  The games force you to play them in a certain order every single time.  In today’s marketplace that would be a failure game and wouldn’t even get a real release.  Maybe to Steam or Xbox Live Arcade.  “But RedChocobo, that wasn’t the standard back then”.  Bitch please, Super Mario 64 already did it!  And Mario didn’t need a bunch of tools to fuck shit up.  The major problem I had with Ocarina of Time and the later Zelda releases is that it feels like you’re just running a bunch of chores with some action thrown in the middle.  Majora’s Mask actually had a chore list.  Games like Harvest Moon make you actually do chores but still seems far more rewarding.  The puzzles are elementary at best, being completely outdone by games like Lufia for SNES and the boss fights are so terribly simple that a caveman could do it.  The final battles boil down to a game of full contact tennis and running through a dude’s legs to hit his flailing, backwards facing junk.  FAIL!  Yes, I just used “FAIL” to describe Ocarina of Time, please clean the spittle from your screen.

But the worst thing that Ocarina of Time was guilty of was the story.  The one where  everything Link did was just the dream of a giant whale with gas problems had a better story.  Here’s Ocarina of Time in a nutshell.  Link wants to score with a chick so he gets a sword and kills a giant talking tree to get stuff.  Chick gives him an awesome gift and he totally ditches her to go score with a chick that has more money.  Chick with more money gives him a bunch of chores while she sits and stares endlessly into a stupid window.  In the process Link scores with a fish chick!  Then rich chick gets chased out of her house and gives Link more awesomer shit because it’s fucking blue!  Link ditches the awesome gift his first chick gave him and goes to become all powerful.  OOPS, Link fucked the world.  Link tries to fix the epic fucking he gave the world so he can finally score with rich chick but fuck, she gets captured.  Epic tennis battle!  World is still fucked but dude who really fucked shit up is dead.  Fuck, pre-pubescent again, Link doesn’t get to score.  Forever alone.  It’s worse than the story from basically every Disney movie.  This alone would be forgivable except basically every single Zelda from this point forward tells the same story over and over again with a tiny twist.  After Twilight Princess I couldn’t even stomach Zelda games anymore; I haven’t played one since.  Mario games are still far superior which is why Super Mario Galaxy is truly the best action game of all time and still somehow the two Galaxy games don’t manage scores as high as Ocarina.  Mario games re-write the fucking book every time they come out and Zelda games just re-hash the same old formula over and over.  I suppose I can take some consolation in the fact that the two Galaxy games still score higher than Skyward Sword.  From Wikipedia, “GameSpot however gave the game a comparatively lower score of 7.5/10, mainly criticizing its motion controls, linear progression and formulaic gameplay”.  NO SHIT SHERLOCK!  Every Zelda game since Link To The Past changed all the rules has been like that!  Tool switching has always required a pause which is frankly unacceptable, the games can only be played in one direction and it’s been the same damn story and game for nearly a decade!  It’s about time that people tell it how it is about Zelda.

The truth is, Zelda isn't Mario.  Zelda isn't Final Fantasy.  Zelda is Halo.  It's the same damn game over and over and over and over and eggs and over again.  It's been done so many times that it is just plain pathetic now.  But really, Zelda has been on a downward path for years.  They still haven't lived up to Link to The Past yet, and frankly, that's pretty sad.

U mad?